I Can't Cry

I cried a lot as a kid. Whether it was from being beaten up by my brother, or the constant moving away from friends as a military child, I was fairly emotional. As I got older, that was forced out of me (see, big brother and father) in attempts to make me tougher, which, I guess worked. Unless I was in some serious physical pain, or someone died, I didn't cry much. In fact, the last time I've had a good cry, you know like, a cry from the soul, was in 2009 when my maternal grandfather passed away. I've had two daughters born since then, tore my meniscus badly, gone through a bunch of emotional struggles, no tears.

It's not that I don't want to, or even feel like crying. I just feel like I can't. As I type this right now, I feel as if I need to cry. Something at the bottom of my chest just feels like it's ready to come up, but then, I just snap out of it and go on about my business.

I was in the studio last weekend, and as I finished my song, "The Hurt," I felt like crying. I actually felt like that would've been an ideal place to cry. Let the pain out over the song. But, no tears.

Over the years I can pinpoint times when I felt like I should've cried. The birth of my first born daughter, getting promoted after years of struggles, selling my first album, and before that, leaving a woman down south who I felt could've been my bride. On a few occasions, I felt close, but I feel as if I forced myself to, "toughen up," and go on about my business.

As boys, at least back in my day, we were taught that boys don't cry, or that crying was for punks or sissys. So the thought of a tear coming down your face was a weakness. The exceptions of course, are death and injury, and in some cases, crying from an injury could get you laughed at. This upbringing creates a bunch of grown men like myself, who may have built up emotions of any kind, and can't release it. We have to be so hard all the time. Even some women don't like an emotional man, so if we need to cry, we have to hide it from our significant other. I've been married for nine years, and my wife has never seen me cry, and probably never will.

Is it still unacceptable for men to cry in 2016? Why can't I cry? If I hurt, why can't I just let it out and feel better?
I just need one good time. Hopefully death isn't the cause of my next cry.

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